Sorry, little guy

Hey, Jude -

Today we went to the community garden. I had a great time showing you the plants and you loved looking at all the variations of green. You were particularly enthralled with the baby pine cones on the tree by the gate. I showed you how they start out tiny and purple, grow bigger and green, and finally get fully mature and brown.

The lesson I realized I want you to learn from today is that forgiveness is key. It's not good to hold a grudge or keep that negativity within yourself. You've got to find a way to let it go. That goes for forgiving yourself, too.

One of the things I showed you at the garden was a tiny snail on the ground near the gate. I showed you its shell and explained how that was its house, always carried around on the snail's back. You listened as I told you about snails' soft bodies and the need for protection, which is why their shell/house comes in so handy. As we were leaving we walked past the gate and I felt a delicate crunch beneath my sandal. I stepped on the snail. I crushed his house and killed the poor, little fella.

I felt so bad about killing poor Mr. Snail, especially after introducing the two of you, I apologized about a million times... to you and to the squished little thing on the ground. I felt terrible the whole way home and didn't really talk to you much and tell you about what was going on during the walk like I usually do. You didn't get to hear me talk about the rain hitting the sidewalk or the trees blowing in the wind. Instead, I was beating myself up for accidentally killing the snail.

The lesson is that you should be sorry for doing bad things, but you should also try to forgive yourself. If you've done all you can to make it right and you feel truly sorry, then all that's left to do is forgive. No use in keeping that awful feeling inside when it won't fix what went wrong in the first place. That's what I realized I'd like you to learn today.

I love you, my Jude, my smart boy, my nice boy.
Momma